I haven’t posted on here in a while…actually since last year! A lot has been going on in my life personally which keeps me busy most of the time. I am ready to get back to working on new stories, because I never have a lack of people reaching out that want to share about their church abuse experience.
A lot has happened at Watermark Community Church as well. Todd Wagner ‘resigned’ (read my post about that here) and now appears to be starting a new church.
In November 2021, the church announced that Blake Holmes would be the new lead pastor/elder, along with adding John Elmore & Timothy Ateek as teaching pastors. Todd Wagner is no longer listed as ‘Elder Emeritus’ (per a June 2021 Leadership update…boy that was fast!) and his ‘Real Truth/Real Quick‘ content has been removed from the Watermark website. It appears the church is marching right along, hoping the secrecy behind all of these leadership changes will fade into history.
Molly's Story
*Molly (pseudonym) is an ex-Watermark Community Church member who reached out to me to share her story. About 11 years ago, *Molly and her husband met & got engaged while he was a member at Watermark. She grew up in a traditional baptist church, so a lot of the core beliefs at Watermark aligned with hers. They attended the pre-marriage program Merge, and the two-on-two class. (In order to get married at Watermark, you must be a member and are required to complete these two classes) They eventually ended up becoming leaders in the Merge ministry. They also went thru the Re:Generation and Re:Engage programs, which are heavily pushed from leadership as something every member should go through.
After they were married, *Molly and her husband were placed in a ‘foundation’ community group, which is for couples who have been married for 3 years or less. The foundation group meets with a mentor couple, with the intention of those group of couples forming their own married community group. The emphasis on community groups and specific placement are one of the hallmarks of Watermark Church. If you are a member, you must be in a community group.
No Careers Allowed
One consistent description I have been told about Watermark Community Church is, “it’s great, until it isn’t“.
*Molly and her husband were towing the line – attending community group, serving in ministries and ticking all the boxes that are required by good Watermark members. Serving at Watermark is not an option – it is required in order to remain a member in good standing. ‘Community Shepherds’ will visit the CG meetings to evaluate the groups, they then report to the Community Leaders, who in turn report to the Elders. If your community group is not maintaining the standard, it will be addressed by leadership. (see Susan’s story here)
The first issue that *Molly had with the church was when she decided to go back to work after having children.
According to Watermark, being a working mom is a big no-no. This message comes from all levels; the pulpit/stage, women’s minstries, community groups, blog posts and videos. The pressure to stay home once having children is intense. Female staff members who have children often quit either before or soon after giving birth.
Of course the most passive-aggressive way to shame and exclude working moms is to schedule events during the daytime when most working mothers are…working. This was a problem for *Molly, because she wanted to be involved, but as a working mom, she obviously could not attend these group meetings.
“All mom-centered events were in the middle of the day during the week. Little to no support was or is offered for working mothers.”
Case in point – this mom’s group, ‘The Nest’ meets on Friday’s from 10:00 am – noon
Another ministry, First Time Mom Group, also meets from 10:00 am – noon. If I were a betting person, I would say this was by design.
*Molly was frustrated by the lack of opportunities to meet with other moms, as well as the constant implications from the church & from the other moms in her community group that she was selfish for choosing to work outside the home. Adding to the pressure, Watermark required *Molly and her husband, who were now BOTH working parents, to continue to serve at the level they did before having children. According to *Molly “there was little to no grace given.”
Community Group
I am in no way oppositional to community groups, life groups, connect groups, Sunday school classes (or whatever you want to call them). I personally think it’s important to be part of a group of like-minded individuals who have made the choice to fellowship in that manner. What I have a problem with is when said group (instructed by church leadership) becomes a place of forced confession, pressure to reveal personal financial information, and ‘admonishment & counseling’ from untrained individuals. I asked *Molly what her biggest concerns were with her community group. She said the constant pressure to share everything about their life with people they barely knew (initially), being asked to share personal financial information and the membership process. I told *Molly that I’ve had some pushback from Watermark members, claiming that the church does not ask for that information. She very nicely said, “if they are members of Watermark, they are not being honest.” Here are some comments from former & current church members that were left on previous posts:
Again this doesn’t seem to add up, especially since I’ve been told numerous times that Watermark members are expected to disclose their finances to the church. This review on Google again confirms this is happening.
If someone from Watermark swears this isn’t true..they are not telling the truth.
A Member of *Molly’s Community Group Removed for Divorcing Abusive Spouse
Watermark Church believes in ‘marriage permanence’, which means divorce is only allowed in cases of adultery, abandonment and sometimes abuse – and even then you are not allowed to remarry unless your former spouse dies or remarries. This is Watemark’s official stance on divorce as it pertains to an abusive spouse:
“Should the unrepentant spouse (unbeliever) “force the issue” by insisting on divorce, Scripture calls the offended spouse to allow for divorce that is clearly initiated by the unrepentant spouse (unbeliever).
Conclusion: While extreme cases of abuse may escalate to a level where an unrepentant spouse (unbeliever) abandons the offended spouse (believer), it is unwise to state that physical abuse, without appropriate biblical intervention, justifies divorce. Even in cases where divorce (legal action) is the only loving recourse to protect the sinning party from continuing in his/her sin, any action taken by the believing spouse is to be done with a heart toward eventual healing and reconciliation as God allows.
Before any believer asks when/if remarriage after divorce is permissible, they must first ask if reconciliation is a viable option. Even in the most heartbreaking cases of sexual immorality, the most perplexing cases of abandonment, and the most gut-wrenching cases of abuse, the power and the Spirit to transform and the love of Christ in abiding believers means reconciliation is a viable option as long as the former spouse has not remarried or is not deceased. While in a season when the possibility of reconciliation exists, it best models the covenant love of Christ for His Church that one should remain single or be reconciled in marriage to their ex-spouse.
Conclusion: Freedom to remarry is not solely to be determined by the guilt or innocence of either spouse, whether either spouse has been or is a believer, or whether divorce happened before or after either spouse’s conversion. In order to model the never-ending covenant love of God, the decision to remarry is to be considered only when the former spouse is deceased or has entered into a marital covenant with another person as defined by God in Genesis.“
A woman (I’ll call her Liz) in their Community Group was married to an abusive spouse. *Liz had escalated her concerns to Watermark leadership, and was instead gaslighted when they said she was being a ‘drama queen’. Like many churches do in these situations, the church sided with the abusive spouse. When he showed up at the church seeking reconciliation with *Liz, Watermark insisted that she acquiecse. When she refused, she was threatened with excommunication. An abusive person knows how to work the system. *Liz’s spouse knew that if he showed up to the church requesting ‘reconciliation’, he was following the steps required to keep *Liz trapped in the marriage.
What did *Liz do? She divorced him….but see that is not allowed according to Watermark. The ABUSIVE SPOUSE has to seek the divorce.
See how backwards this is?
*Liz was still attending community group after her divorce. That was not ok with Watermark leadership. They called *Molly, her husband and the other CG members into the ‘principal’s office’ (I digress) to tell them that it was not ok for *Liz to continue to be a part of the community group (or a member of Watermark) if she didn’t reconcile with her husband. She was going to be asked to leave Watermark if she didn’t agree to reconcile. The community group had no choice but to do what was asked of them, and told *Liz she could no longer be in the community group. *Liz was asked to leave Watermark Church. This bothered *Molly greatly, but she felt they had no other choice but to obey church leadership.
The Breaking Point
Watermark Church puts an inappropriate amount of responsibility on the community groups. Why? It’s a really big church and the leadership can’t be bothered with the cares and needs of its members. If your church is too big to shepherd and care for the members, maybe you should rethink your business model? (it is a business, BTW)
I covered this issue in a couple of my other posts:
The Aftermath: Stories From Former Watermark Church Members
The Aftermath Part II: Stories from Former Watermark Church Members
Devastating Losses
In 2017, *Molly tragically suffered a miscarriage. She recalls that the care & concern she received from the church and her community group during that time was very supportive. A few years later *Molly’s father passed away. In this situation, there was A surprising lack of support from her community group and pastoral staff. She was faced with some very stressful emotional & financial situations following his death. In *Molly’s own words, she describes what happened when a concerned coworker reached out to Watermark on her behalf:
“It was by far one of the darkest and most challenging times in our lives. A coworker of mine became concerned about my level of stress. Keep in mind, this person is a self-proclaimed agnostic. She reached out to Watermark knowing this was our church, and said our family was struggling considerably and needed help. Watermark’s response to her forever changed my view of them and I will never return. They informed her that if I needed help, I needed to speak to my community group and that this was not the church’s responsibility, but the community group’s. The amount of hurt and betrayal I felt still sticks with me today. This was my church of over 10 years, and they didn’t even call me to check in.
In *Susan’s story on my post The Aftermath: Stories from Former Watermark Church Members, she recalled how the community groups were told to give sacrificially, but also expected to care for members in crisis:
“The implication was that if life goes belly up and you have an emergency your CG (community group) was supposed to step in and care for you. But…shocker! They’re also living paycheck to paycheck so it’s most likely going to be a financial burden on them.”
A recent review of the church on Google appears to confirm *Susan and *Molly’s statements:
I asked *Molly how her community group responded to the church’s response – she said they backed up Watermark completely – which bears the question, why wasn’t her CG ministering to her? According to *Molly, “they really did try – they just didn’t get it.”
I also asked *Molly what the actual paid pastoral staff at Watermark actually do (since caring for members isn’t their responsibility) and she replied,
“I have no idea what they do. It’s like they’re completely unreachable. I reached out to them just through their website saying I needed to speak with one of the elders and never heard back….a member for a decade and still no clue how to reach anyone.”
*Molly said there was more concern given to remove the divorced woman from their community group, which took precedence over ministering to her and her family. PRIORITIES!
WHOSE JOB IS IT ANYWAY?
In inordinate and inappropriate level of responsibility is shouldered by the community groups at Watermark Community Church. Here’s why that is a BIG problem:
- Not everyone is gifted/equipped/qualified/mature enough to minister to any and all situations that can arise amongst the CG members.
- Not everyone is financially able to help someone who needs financial assistance
- Not everyone is healthy and/or stable emotionally
- Ministers and pastoral staff (hopefully) have the training and resources to care for a church’s members. The average lay person does not.
- The members’ financial contributions pay the salaries of the church staff. Why do members need to give to the church if they have to care for each other……for free?
Why is Watermark Community Church outsourcing it’s responsibility FOR its members TO its members? Remember, this is an elder-led/elder-rule church, where the individual members do not have any voting rights, yet they are expected to do the work of the pastors. What is the staff at Watermark doing if not ministering to its insular membership? Click on this link WATERMARK STAFF – there are over 200 people listed. Why are the community groups expected to do the job that the ministers of the church are paid to do? A church of that size likely has millions in the bank + property and other assets. Pushing off the responsibility to help church members in financial distress onto the members themselves is a gross misappropriation of donated funds. (read: exorbitant salaries/perks for executive pastors/staff, etc)
“Shepherd the flock of God that is among you, exercising oversight, not under compulsion, but willingly, as God would have you; not for shameful gain, but eagerly; not domineering over those in your charge, but being examples to the flock.” I Peter 5:3,3
Watermark’s method is in direct opposition to this scripture.
In my opinion, structuring community groups in a way that puts all of the care, counseling and ministering responsibility on it’s members is a way to exercise more control. It also puts the members at risk, when they are entrusting their need for pastoral care to people who may not be healthy enough to minister to them effectively (not to mention they are required to get approval from their community group for many everyday decisions).
The best way to control a group of people is to make them completely dependent on each other and the organization as a whole…and make them pay for it.
Moving On
*Molly and her family have since left Watermark Church. Thankfully she was able to leave with little to no harassment other than a few attempts by Watermark to contact them (which they did not respond to). *Molly and her husband told their community group they were leaving and were met with some objections like,
“Watermark is the only church doing it right and by leaving we were signing up for less accountability, as well as being lazy for not wanting to do all of the requirements.”
*Molly and her husband have since found another church. While finishing their commitments at Watermark, they began visiting another local church, who lovingly reached out to them and ministered to them after the birth of their child.
“This church brought us meals when we had our son. Involved us in everything, let us come to bible studies we wanted, etc, and never once pressured us to join. They even threw us a baby shower before we were members. It was so refreshing.”
Are you taking notes, Watermark Church?
This is how you care for people.
Let's Talk about spiritual abuse
A few months ago I connected with Johnna & Jay, who are survivors of abuse from churches in the Acts29 Network. They wanted to provide a safe place and a resource for victims of spiritual abuse. Since I had written a few posts on The Village Church (where Acts29 president Matt Chandler is the lead pastor/elder) Johnna & Jay wanted to get some insight into that particular Acts29 church and the stories of abuse that were emerging from The Village Church,
They have since launched their podcast and it is AWESOME!
Please subscribe to Bodies Behind the Bus and follow them on Twitter (@bbtbpod).
If this term sounds familiar to you, it’s not surprising! This is a now-infamous quote made by former Acts29 president Mark Driscoll, when he was the lead pastor at Mars Hill Church in Seattle.
‘There is a pile of dead bodies behind the Mars Hill bus, [he chuckles] and by God’s grace, it’ll be a mountain by the time we’re done. You either get on the bus or you get run over by the bus. Those are the options. But the bus ain’t going to stop!’
WHAT IS SPIRITUAL ABUSE?
On their latest podcast, Defining the Terms, Johnna & Jay reference an excellent article from the website Thirty-One:Eight titled, ‘Spritual Abuse‘. Here is how it is defined:
Some of the key characteristics are:
In an unhealthy context a great deal of censorship is likely. People may themselves be blamed for any issues or problems they identify. They often find that they are unable to raise issues or to ask questions without being accused of either threatening unity or causing trouble. Generally, those in an unhealthy context feel pressurised to be silent and not to raise concerns.
This is being required, forced or coerced to share personal details or to include another person in your decision-making. It is important to note that accountability can be positive if the person involved chooses to engage with it, without feeling pressurised in the relationship.
One of the key features of spiritual abuse is the damage that it does to the individual, which often occurs through manipulation, fear and shame. Manipulation may be connected to someone feeling pressured to perform different actions or behaviours. They may also be expected to be extremely committed to the place of worship, even if this means they are unable to fulfil other commitments. People often feel scared of the consequences of not conforming. They may also feel shame. Sometimes they will experience acceptance, followed by rejection, as a way of controlling their behaviour.
Often a spiritually abusive individual will find it very difficult to work with others and to be able to take on-board alternative opinions. There is often absence of team decision-making.
When used out of context to pressurise individuals to behave in a particular way or to make a particular decision. Misuse of scripture is extremely important to understand because individuals with a faith will hold their sacred texts in very high regard. If passages are used to control or manipulate behaviour this can be very difficult to argue against and may be very damaging in the long term. A warning sign of spiritual abuse is when scripture is used to support an individual’s personal agenda. Instead, it should focus on the needs of others and should encourage people to consider and choose their responses for themselves.
The characteristics listed above read like a description of the abusive culture at Watermark Community Church.
I’ve discovered more often than not that most people in spiritually abusive environments do not realize that they are IN them…until something bad happens. I can attest to that myself. I was once fully devoted to an abusive leader in an abusive church and the only way I came to see it as abusive was when I was affected directly and abused myself.
*Molly and her husband were spiritually abused by Watermark Community Church. It goes right along with the ‘frog in hot water‘ analogy. You start out feeling safe and connected, then as the pressure builds and you can’t keep up with the growing responsibilities and group think, it’s too late. You are submerged within the system, and the only way out is to come to the realization that you are being abused and walk away.
I want to thank *Molly for sharing her story. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to tell a story of abuse, and even more courage to put it in a public format. My hope is that she and her husband find hope and healing, and that others will read this story and heed the warning signs of an abusive and controlling church.
My wife and I went through the Merge and Foundations programs put out by Watermark, at our local church in Houston. While there are certainly sections in there about personal finance, that was not the focus. It was more of a discussion topic to guide discourse on how, as a couple we would invest our resources. Our group didn’t require us to disclose dollar numbers we just used %. If you were not comfortable discussing this it was also not required. I can see how this might be a sensitive subject for some, but I feel it is being blown… Read more »
As a former member at Watermark (6 years), I was never pressured to or even told to share personal finances. That said, I do not at all doubt that other Watermark members have had a different experience and, unfortunately, have been pressured into sharing things that they did not want to share. Despite Watermark being hierarchical in authority, the distributed nature of the community groups means that some groups end up behaving differently than others. You could have some community groups (which are volunteer-led by the way) that ended up overstepping boundaries due to having an overzealous volunteer leader. This… Read more »
Why
There is a new video on youtube with Wagner addressing his followers about his new church I guess. Funny in an hour he read more from his own book than the Bible. All about me me me..
Blasphemy of the Holy Spirit is the sin labeled as unforgivable by Jesus. The Holy Spirit is identified as the spirit of truth in relation to humanity. This organization is literally engaged fully in Blasphemy of the Holy Spirit and additionally causing others to commit the same unforgivable sin….. they have even deceived themselves. Hiding truth is how you empower and supercharge lies and deception. Hiding truth is now days a worse sin than most lies. Hiding truth is a form of lying which can cause more significant destruction than most lies. Christian’s justifying hiding truth committing egregious spiritual abuses… Read more »
Do me a Huge favor and write an article specific to their role ‘hailing’ on my life while they Lie to me and say they have no knowledge of what I have been dealing with. Clarify people suggesting to me they may somehow have income derived from trafficking my life. Explain exactly what legal frauds they have used and hide? My view of Christianity has disintegrated given how many lies and the amount of gaslighting being perpetuated by so called Christian’s who claim to serve the God of truth but are doers and spreaders of a satanic agenda of lies… Read more »
For those who are interested, you can read the Watermark “Community Group Launch Curriculum” at this link, https://assets.ctfassets.net/hw5pse7y1ojx/1uB6b91OxUU64Dnun8rDQb/86543f9e135c28d22e39b549a031fcbd/CG_Launch_Curriculum_DRAFT_2.0.pdf It is a 110+ page book they provide to all new Community Group Members. One interesting thing is that in the “pecking order” for leadership it is Community Group (CG) member, CG Leader, CG Shepherd, CG Director. Here is the description of the CG Shepherd: “Shepherds are experienced, trusted lay leaders outside of your community group who oversee and provide support for your group when it is needed. A Shepherd will meet regularly with your Community Group Leader and may occasionally step… Read more »
No need to say anymore after “It is a 110+ page book”. Absolutely ridiculous.
SPOT ON. I would like to be able to say that this stuff still surprises and grieves me. Regrettably, I am not surprised but I am stilled grieved. I am not surprised by Wagner’s re-emergement, frankly I am surprised it took so long. Cult of personality.