I could never condense my almost 5 decades of living into a single blog post, and let me tell you, it was crazy surreal to just type those words.
I have always felt ‘young at heart’; never quite my age. I always tell my kids, “You will feel 18 inside forever.” I don’t know if that’s true, but it’s certainly true for me. That’s why it’s hard for me to realize that I’ve done a lot of living. Sometimes I look back on my life as if it were someone else’s, slipping into that familiar disconnect from self that abuse victims often do.
The beginning
I was born illegitimate to a mother who had an affair with a married man. He managed to escape any responsibility for bringing a child into this world, thus leaving me to be raised by an alcoholic mother with a myriad of undiagnosed mental illnesses, who had also been married three times before. She married for the 4th time when I was two, to a fellow alcoholic, who went on to sexually abuse me from approximately ages 4-8. Her second marriage had produced a son – my older brother.
Mothering the mother
Anyone who is a child of an alcoholic or knows anything about the dynamic can tell you that you don’t get to be a child for long. The alcoholic parent begins to depend on their offspring to the point that the child over functions for the parent and often functions AS the parent as the roles are switched. I don’t have very many fun, happy-go-luck memories of my childhood, because I was too busy keeping the peace in a chaotic household. My mother married for a 5th time to a pre-operative transsexual. Yes, you read that correctly. In rural Texas in 1981, my mother and another biological female were legally married. The confusion and dysfunctions were multiplied in our home as ridicule and shame were added. Since my new ‘step-father’ was ALSO an alcoholic, my mothering duties extended to her and the two young daughters that she brought into our home. I knew even then that I was being robbed of my childhood.
Thankfully that marriage didn’t last long and we moved away to escape the shame and embarrassment that the situation had brought upon our family. I was a very damaged teenager with low self esteem, often looking for attention and affirmation in all of the wrong places. At age 17, I was raped at a party, and even though my attacker was arrested, my mother would not proceed with the prosecution. I was drinking at the party and she did not feel like we could win the case. That left me feeling pretty worthless, so I decided that she had trampled on my self esteem for the last time. When I met my now-husband in my senior year of high school, I knew he was the one. I moved out a few months after graduation.
marriage, children....and baggage
I became pregnant at 18 and married my high school sweetheart a few months before our son was born. Five years later a daughter joined our family, then 2 years later our youngest, a son, completed our family. We definitely struggled during those early years. We weren’t financially stable and I was not emotionally prepared for marriage and motherhood. I definitely tried as hard as I could to be a good wife and mother, but I had so much baggage from my childhood. There was infidelity in our marriage (both of us), borne out of an inability to communicate and extreme stressors in our extended family. We finally thought we had hit our stride coming up on our 20th year of marriage. Unfortunately, a predator was in our midst, and had been there for quite some time, which would put every fiber of our relationship to the test.
Despite our challenges, my husband and I were faithful to attend church and made sure our children did as well. We were very involved a new church plant and hosted a weekly bible study in our home for almost 10 years. The pastor was very charismatic and we realize now, had a cult-like following. In 2010 he engaged in clergy abuse by pursuing me romantically for several months. When everything came out, he denied any wrongdoing, even in the face of evidence. Like in most cases, the church sided with him and our family lost our entire support system. We went through the most traumatic season of our lives for which we thought we might not recover. By the grace of God, our marriage did survive. We immediately sought therapy and learned that what this pastor did was abusive and predatory.
Now nine years later I am beginning to speak out about what I experienced. When I learned about the trauma of clergy sexual abuse, I was emboldened to find out why I was a target for this pastor. I went to therapy to finally deal with my childhood sexual abuse and other traumas that I had experienced. What I discovered is that I entered into adulthood painfully crippled in how to spot abusers because I had been conditioned to tolerate the intolerable. I did not know how to set boundaries with people, which allowed me to be taken advantage of. Oh how I needed therapy!
While there are a gazillion more details to my story, the overwhelming message that I can convey is this – God has a plan for your life. No matter how messy it is, how awful your parents were, if you were abused, discarded, mistreated – you have a purpose! I now know that what other people meant for evil, God meant for good. He brought me to this place, to this very day, to share this good news with someone. I survived more than I could share in this one blog, but I can tell you, I survived to TELL about it. God knew that one day I would sit down at this computer and write these words to encourage someone else.
My hope is that though this website, I will be able to impart some of the wisdom and valuable tools that I was given to heal from my abuse – to give hope to others who may be walking a similar path.
Hello,
Just found your blog. I decided to start at the beginning, glad I did! I am one of the “others” walking a similar path. Thank you for sharing. 13 years ago my life was destroyed by an IFB pastor. God has also been encouraging me to share my story and be an encouragement to others that have been hurt in that denomination. I am exploring my options, blog, book, or both? You have been an encouragement to me today! God Bless!