My daughter came to us when she was 17 and expressed that she had a serious anxiety problem. We always knew that she was shy and sometimes withdrawn, but figured that was just part of her personality and typical teenage angst. After a few heated exchanges, I finally came to terms with the fact that she needed help, so we made an appointment with her primary doctor and a licensed Christian therapist.
She gained some immediate relief with some anti-anxiety medications. She resisted the therapy, however. There were several sessions where she sat in a staring contest with the therapist, resulting in me being called in to evaluate my daughter’s willingness to be helped or decide if the therapeutic process was over before it even got started.
She did finally warm up to the therapist and it turned out to be one of the best things she could do to help with her anxiety. As a result of her sharing some of the struggles that we experienced as a family, the therapist related to my daughter that I would benefit greatly from seeing my own counselor. Now it was my turn to resist.
Deep down I knew that I needed help. I knew that I buried my feelings, over-functioned for those around me, and refused to face the sexual abuse from my childhood. Cognitively, I knew these things. In my heart, however, I could not bring myself to DEAL with them.
Tell me why you're here
The first visit with my new therapist was pretty predictable. She wrote down my family history, establishing relationships and then she asked the most predictable question of all – “Tell me why you’re here?”
I’ve never considered myself a person that is short of words, but in that moment, I choked. I knew what I wanted to say, but the adequate words escaped me. I felt like I needed to deliver this Oscar-speech-worthy response to a very simple question. Then the most honest answer my brain could process just came tumbling out.
She seemed quite unfazed by my statement, which made me feel a little unnerved.
She went on to explain that even with just the small amount of information that I had shared with her, my statement was not surprising. I was the child of an alcoholic, a sexual abuse victim and a clergy abuse victim. It wasn’t a matter of why DID I make bad decisions, it was how could I NOT make bad decisions.
She went on to explain that a person who was raised in complete dysfunction with rampant abuse has learned to tolerate the intolerable and has never learned to develop safe boundaries. My boundaries were entrenched upon when I was sexually abused. I was never taught or modeled good decision making, even though I desperately wanted to make good decisions. The wounds of my past that I had not dealt with, coupled with a lack of boundaries were like skyscraper-high obstacles that kept me from seeing the warning signs about bad people and bad situations. That is why I would find myself in a terrible predicament, sitting in the bloodbath of the aftermath, wondering how I got there. The classic ‘frog in hot water’ analogy.
Finally, it all made sense.
Healing is a process
I began to feel very empowered once I knew the root cause of my bad decision making. As I progressed in therapy and began to unpack the wounds of my past, my mind began to clear. In fact, EVERYTHING became very clear. I began to set boundaries with those around me, started practicing self-care, and began to feel like I had control over my life for the very first time. It was a difficult season for my family, particularly my husband. He was very happy that I was getting the help that I so desperately needed, but the changes in me were difficult for him. I would oftentimes come home after a session and be withdrawn or extremely moody. He soon realized that ‘therapy days’ were not the days to push my buttons! Dredging up all of the emotions and pain from the past was extremely emotionally taxing on me. I began to notice that I was experiencing physical effects, some of which I had never encountered in my entire life. At first I tried to attribute the symptoms to middle-age, but deep down I knew that my body was releasing and responding to the stress of processing the trauma. The body does indeed, remember.
I also attended a sexual abuse support group concurrently with my weekly therapy appointments. If you are a sexual abuse survivor, I recommend this approach. You can work through the healing process in a group setting, then further process your own thoughts from the group work with your own therapist.
In a nutshell, the two years I spent in talk-therapy with a licensed professional therapist was absolutely life-changing for me. You may be asking yourself, would I benefit from seeing a therapist? Here are some questions to ask yourself to determine if therapy might be a good choice for you.
should I see a therapist
https://www.healthista.com/do-i-need-to-see-a-therapist/
repeating patterns
A very common trigger is the realization that over a long period of time you are repeating the same behaviors. Therapy can help you understand where this behavior may have originated and what is compelling you to repeat it.
family issues that are making you miserable
It can be very difficult to deal with family issues as everyone feels they are in the right. Hurts and slights from childhood can last a long time, and communication can break down well into adulthood. Family history is much of what takes up therapists’ listening time, but a neutral observer can bring valuable insights.
a past that brings pain (Trauma, Sexual abuse)
Many people struggle, sometimes unconsciously, with things that happened in their past. Seeing a therapist can help address the issues of shame and regret that can be so deadening if left to fester.
PTSD is caused by very frightening or distressing events. Some cases surface quickly after the stressful incident, but others may take months – even years – to develop. If you endured trauma from childhood sexual abuse, emotional or physical abuse, you may just now be experiencing the effects of this trauma in the form of flashbacks and/or panic attacks. If flashbacks and panic attacks are increasing, a therapist will be able to help. There are some specific types of therapy, like eye movement desensitisation reprocessing (EMDR) that are best suited.
addiction in your life or a loved ones life
If these are your problems or the problems of a loved one, look for therapists who specialize in treating addiction. You may feel that addiction is too big a word for your issue, but if it’s something you keep returning to, finding an expert to talk to may be a good move. Sometimes the loved ones of an addict find themselves in a love-bind situation, where they fear a loss of the relationship if they try to have firm boundaries with the addict. A trained therapist can help you and other family members gain the strength to confront addictive behaviors.
stuck in an abusive relationship
This could be within a marriage, another romantic-type relationship, partnership at work or another place where there is a power relationship. A therapist can’t do the work of the police, but a therapeutic alliance can give you the confidence to look at the relationship for what it really is, and decide about future action.
indecisive/feeling stuck
Some people find that talking to friends is the best way to help them come to decisions, but others find themselves going round and round in circles. Counselors or therapists can, by getting you to talk about the problem, help you sort out what your true values are, and help you decide what direction you want your life to head in. Another issue you might be dealing with is feeling stuck in one mood or emotion all day, every day, which could be a sign that there is an issue lurking beneath the surface that needs to be worked through.
resources
I was fortunate in that I worked for a large church that had a counseling department staffed with licensed professional counselors and the church also offered a myriad of support groups. The cost was sliding-scale and they offered many options for those who needed assistance with paying for therapy. Professional counseling, by and large, is not cheap, but most private insurance will cover it and it is always worth asking if the therapist or the group they are a part of offers a sliding-scale pay option.
Since I am a Christian and believe that therapy is best in a Christ-centered environment, I will only recommend Christian counselors here as a resource. I also only recommend LICENSED professional counselors, not pastoral or non-licensed biblical counselors. Those types of counselors are not professionally trained or have degrees from an accredited university, nor are they bound by confidentiality laws or other licensing requirements. In other words, professional, licensed counselors are state-mandated to protect YOU, the client and are required to uphold a set of standards and ethics.
