*Nadine (pseudonym) reached out to me after finding my blog while researching abusive churches, in particular, how churches deal with domestic abuse in marriages. She asked if I would share her story of how a church abused her during the process of her separation and eventual divorce from an abusive spouse.
She is not the first person who has reached out to me for the EXACT SAME REASON. *Nadine attended a reformed complementation church in the Dallas/Fort Worth area. (If you don’t know what a reformed-complementarian church is, this article sums it up nicely) Her former church believes in a ‘permanence‘ view of marriage. which means that divorce under any circumstance, besides adultery or abandonment by an unbelieving spouse, is not permissible. Many times this type of church will still pressure a spouse to remain in the marriage despite the fact that adultery or abuse has occurred. They lean heavily on this verse:
“Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives.” I Peter 3:1
Churches will use this verse to place responsibility on the WIFE to correct the abusive behavior, by being more submissive. Countless stories of abused women have proven this to be an ineffective strategy. An abuser is responsible for their own behavior, which is not dependent on the other spouse’s submission.
*Nadine is going to tell her story in her own words. She is an excellent writer and has told her story in a way that reveals the dysfunctional thinking of her former church, and how someone can be pulled under this type of influence. There are countless churches that believe in this particular view of marriage. If you are a regular church attender or member of a church, there is a chance that YOUR church may teach this as well. (check your Church’s website for their views on marriage or speak to the pastor).
Never say it couldn’t happen to you.
Nevertheless She Persisted: How I Survived a Church Shunning with My Faith (and Hope) Intact
I was a woman in a destructive marriage. I was broken and hurting, and even though I’d done everything I knew to get the help and support I desperately needed from my church, it was futile and I didn’t understand why.
You see, I was a member of an independent, elder-ruled, complementarian, evangelical industrial complex, mega Bible church and I didn’t even know it. I’d never even heard of any of these titles when I joined the church I loved, so I had absolutely no idea what I was REALLY signing when I signed “the contract”. Not because I’m uneducated (I have a Master’s Degree), not because I had blindly chosen to follow a set of rules, (I’m all about relationship), but because I’d been raised in this subculture: I had been handed an identity and it was all I had ever known.
A common misconception is that the type of control that led to my spiritual abuse story only happens in large churches, but that’s not true. It’s the underlying patterns of control and coercion that matters and whether the congregation is large or small, the message is the same: “We are your spiritual leaders and we know what’s best for you.” If you stray outside of their bounds, you are put under church discipline.
The truth is that you can hold a different stance than your particular church leaders and still be a faithful, fully devoted follower of Christ.
Sharing my story is scary and gut wrenching but worth it. I’m doing it in support of all those who are struggling in abusive homes and abusive churches. There are countless other stories eerily similar to mine and my heart is broken for all the wounded who walk away from their faith altogether once they’re on the other side.
My hope is that sharing my story will give insight into what you should know and what you can do if you’re ever in a similar situation.
I was not prepared for the backlash when I separated from my abusive husband and was subsequently shunned from the church. I learned the hard way and I pray my experiences will provide tools to those who are struggling to get the support they so urgently need BEFORE all hell breaks loose.
I survived – by the grace of God – with my faith intact, hope for the future, and an insider’s perspective on how to help others to do the same.
Belonging
The first time I visited this church, I felt like I belonged. The worship was captivating, the message inspiring, the people so very welcoming. For over 10 years, I’d been a member of a smaller church, and, with the blessing of my pastor and friends, was moving on in a journey to continue to grow deeper in my relationship with the Lord and with other believers. This church was much larger and offered many ministries to get involved and serve in. I jumped right in. At first, it felt like a little piece of heaven on earth.
Membership
After a few years, pressure started mounting to sign the membership covenant. I’d never been asked to sign a contract as part of church membership before. It seemed a little strange to me, and I was uncomfortable with the concept. Even the title – “membership covenant” – felt like a little too much. Besides, I already considered myself a member: I was leading a wonderful community group, serving in multiple areas of ministry, actively participating in a few different programs. I was faithful to tithe my time, talent, and treasure. I was all in.
So it was confusing when one Sunday the pastor said during a sermon, “If you’re just a regular attender, then you’re an irregular believer.” Certain programs became accessible only to members. One Sunday, I was dumbfounded when it was announced from the pulpit that there would be a meeting after the service ‘for members only’. If you weren’t a member, no matter how long you’d been committed, no matter how deeply you were involved, serving, and faithful, you were asked to leave.
Huh????
That afternoon I went home and Googled, “Is my church a cult?” (Friends, let me tell you…that’s a sure indication something’s off.)
I weighed the benefits of signing against the losses of not. At this point, it wasn’t just about “the church,” it was about the community I’d become ingrained in, the ministries where I was serving and leading, the friends I’d made. I loved being a community group leader and was very close with the women in my group. I didn’t want to lose all that.
I attended the mandatory membership meetings with some hesitancy, and was encouraged by the call to belonging. The way everything was explained made sense. The scriptures that backed it all up seemed applicable. I signed a one-page document pledging to do all the things I’d already been doing – being committed to God’s Word, God’s purposes, and God’s people. Harmless enough. It wasn’t until crisis hit that I realized the one page membership covenant I signed and the legally binding, multi-page contract I was being held to were not the same thing.
What you should know: At churches like this, as long as you’re going with the flow, not rocking the boat, and staying mainstream, everything is ok. It’s not until something “happens” that you realize the full impact of what you’re actually obligated to. It’s fine until it’s not.
What you can do: Thanks to people who are bravely speaking out, these church documents are now being shared more transparently. Be sure to do your due diligence before deciding if it’s the right thing for you and/or your family. Church membership is never something that should be coerced or pressured. There are many resources from Godly, well-educated, and Biblically trained leaders that clearly outline both sides of the issue (to sign or not to sign). So take all the time you need to educate yourself, pray about it, and trust your own decision.
The Dating & Marriage Initiative
I started dating a guy I met through the singles ministry. I was a believer, he was a believer. Check. I served in ministry, he served in ministry. Check. I was a CG leader, he was a CG leader. Check. We’d known each other for years, our community groups hung out together, we served together, attended services together. According to the church checklist, it was a match made in heaven. He pursued me intentionally and progressed things quickly. I had hesitations that I allowed to be explained away. Life in the spiritual arena didn’t operate in the same ways as “the world”, I was told. As long as we checked the boxes, loved the Lord, and attended the 8-week pre-marital ministry classes all would be well. I can’t put my finger on why, but going through the pre-marital program made me uncomfortable. Again, it was all about checking the boxes.
“If you do it this way – our way – everything will be perfect.”
Halfway through the program, he proposed. It was all happening so fast, my head was spinning while everyone around us was cheering us on. I started to feel like I was crazy for having questions. Every time I looked within our circle for guidance, I got the same canned responses. It was confusing and I felt like I had nowhere “real” to turn. I wanted to reach out beyond the bubble of our church, but the more I got involved, the more I became isolated from those outside of it.
Besides, in the membership covenant, sharing outside the church circle is considered gossip, a sin worthy of being put under church discipline. I felt like I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. I could go along with what I was being “counseled” to do, or I could lose it all. I allowed myself to be convinced that I was worrying too much (another sin), and not trusting God with my future. After all, if we both “loved the Lord” and were “running in the same direction”, what could go wrong?
A lot. And quickly. The outgoing, thoughtful, fun-loving man I thought I married turned into an angry, passive aggressive crazymaker. When we were dating, we shared our habits, hurts and hangups with each other …. or so I thought. It immediately became evident that his issues went much deeper and were much more pervasive than was disclosed. Just a few days after our wedding I found myself backed into a corner with tears streaming down my face, getting yelled at and accused of I didn’t even know what. My life was spinning out of control. It was a story straight from the lines of everything written about covert abuse, wolves in sheeps clothing hiding in plain sight in church congregations. But at the time, I didn’t understand what was happening and didn’t know what to do next. I needed support.
What you should know: There is A LOT of pressure to date and get married within the church. Episode 4 of the podcast, “The Rise and Fall of Mars Hill” does an excellent job explaining the reasons why the church places such a high value on marriage, families, and in particular, the prescribed role of men in the church and family.
What you can do: Do not allow yourself to be pressured to date or get married to meet church expectations. Take all the time you need and trust your own decision.
The Role of Community
It was only a few weeks into our marriage when things got so bad that I broke down and shared with our community group what was going on. I’m not sure what I expected but I never expected it would be what happened next. We were immediately reported to church leadership. Once leadership was made aware of the situation, conflict resolution measures were put into place according to a clearly defined, step-by-step process which community group leaders are in charge of implementing and reporting on. It was a disaster.
For me, this is one of the most confusing and complex parts of being in a community group in a culture like this. The level of power and control turned over to church leadership depends on the individual group leaders. Some leaders wholeheartedly comply with the measures put in place which leads to greater church control, other leaders don’t. It’s possible for individuals to experience varying levels of church control in domestic abuse situations depending on their group leader. Our leaders were compliant. I understood the overwhelm they must’ve felt upon discovering the seriousness of the situation. What I didn’t understand was why they didn’t discuss it with us first. It was manipulative and controlling. It was wrong. Here is an excerpt from my journal:
“Lord, please help. I don’t understand what’s happening. Our relationship is so destructive. I’m constantly degraded and devalued through harsh and demeaning words, manipulative behaviors, financial control, constant lying, and misusing the church in an attempt to overpower me. I’m being torn down, treated indifferently at best and downright cruelly at worst. I don’t know what to do. Please help us.”
Most church leaders are unprepared and unqualified to deal with abuse issues. In one of the first meetings we attended, after I timidly and bravely shared my story, I was told, “That doesn’t sound like abuse to me.” There are no words to describe the helplessness and fear I felt as I looked over and saw the hidden smirk on my husband’s face. After that, he was empowered to continue in his abuse and things got even worse.
Separation and Shunning
I had done all there was to do: attended classes, recovery groups, and met with mentors, leaders, pastors. I’d attended meeting after meeting after meeting all while praying, pleading, begging the Lord to touch my husband’s heart, and heal our marriage. I was challenged to complete the Love Dare book with the wives in my community group. Each day we would report to each other about how things had gone. One of the steps in the book is to have sex with your husband for so many days in a row. If I wasn’t fully engaging, I would be “admonished” by my community group leaders.
The article, “Seven Predictable Things Your Emotional Abuser Does When You Set Boundaries,” by Natalie Hoffman of Flying Free accurately portrays what happened to me when I finally separated from my husband. On the day the final boundary was broken, I finally stood up for myself and held my husband accountable to boundaries WE had set: separation. He left the house in a rage. While he was gone, trembling in fear, I packed a few things in my car and fled. I stayed with friends for a few days, planning to return after he was settled in an apartment like he’d previously agreed to do.
He refused.
At this point, things totally fell apart. It was a never-ending crazymaking cycle. The church did not support the separation because we had set the boundary without their input. I was deemed rebellious for refusing to meet with my abuser in the same room. I was called disrespectful, told I was pointing the finger, and refusing to own my part. I was the sinner. I was treated as an unbeliever. I was shunned.
I’d been an active, involved part of the church for seven years and NOT ONE PERSON from any area of ministry where I’d served, led, and made friends, reached out to me to see how I was doing. I was treated like a problem rather than a person. My community group was not allowed to meet with me without my husband present. I lost all support.
It’s sad that the very ones who care the most, who are seeking Biblical counsel and trying their very best to walk out their faith in a Christ-like manner, are the very ones who are shunned, while their abusers work the system and are welcomed with open arms. The tragedy of being labeled an “unbeliever” because you’re trying to honor God while also protecting yourself and a “believer” simply by checking the boxes and saying what they want to hear, is just, well, tragic. This total rejection can feel like a rejection by God himself – it’s designed to have that impact – but it’s not.
What you should know: If you are in a destructive marriage in a system like this, as far as the church is concerned, separation is only an option if it has been “pre-approved”. You will be “given permission” to separate only under the most extreme of physical safety situations, and even then only for the purpose of reconciliation. During the separation, you will be closely monitored and counseled on your every move. Every conversation, every meeting, every scripture read aloud will admonish you to submit, forgive, and reconcile. If you make any decision on your own, outside the bounds of their structure or counsel, you’ll be considered to be sinning, put under church discipline, and treated like an unbeliever.
Church leaders will share your story without your knowledge to:
- An internal database that all leaders in any area of ministry have access to
- Leaders in ministries where you are serving and you will be told to step down
Your community group members will be counseled to exclude you from community group meetings and activities. You will be assigned church staff leaders who will meet with you and report on you. NOTHING IS CONFIDENTIAL: Notes on all communications via email, meetings, phone, text, etc will be entered into the system.
During meetings with leadership, you will be seated in a circle of men you hardly know. If a woman is present, you’ll either never have met her before or just met her because she’s been assigned to you. To start the meeting you’ll be asked to read scriptures aloud on forgiveness, submission, and a wife’s duty then asked how you can “own your part” – with your abuser IN THE ROOM.
What you can do: You have a choice. You can advocate for yourself. Study the subject from the points of view of other well-respected leaders in the faith community to get a broader perspective. Insist on meeting without your abuser in the room. Establish a strong, stable support system outside of your church network and bring them with you to meetings. You may be told, “Those people are not trusted members.” It doesn’t matter. You have a voice, trust yourself to make your own decisions.
The End
During 15 months of separation, I prayed, read, and journaled every day. I discovered faith-based resources like Leslie Vernick, No Eden Elsewhere, and Flying Free. I was getting more helpful information and Biblical support from the internet than I was from my church. I read 52 books related to God’s design for marriage. Meanwhile, I waited for a sign, any sign, that my marriage could be restored. Nothing. In many ways, it got worse.
I felt utterly alone. With my tail between my legs, I reached out to Christian friends from my outer circle. I slowly, tearfully, humbly shared my story with them. Not one person who’d known me before doubted me. Not one person accused me, or questioned my choices. They held my hand, they listened, they prayed with me. They supported me, and they strengthened me.
One day I heard about a woman who had been in a marriage very similar to mine. She’d started attending my church right after her divorce and was welcomed with open arms.
Perplexed, I shared this story with my counselor. She asked me, “What is it you want from the church?”
“I want their support,” I replied.
“They can’t give it to you. Even if individual leaders may want to, they can’t. The system won’t allow it.”
It dawned on me that it wasn’t my decision that was necessarily the problem, it was that it was happening on their watch. It was a breakthrough. I realized at that moment that I’d mistakenly confused wanting their support with needing their permission. When I finally understood that no matter what I said or did I’d never be heard, never be supported, I knew that it was time to stop striving. In the most respectful way I could, I sent an email to my husband and the people who’d been assigned to us to let them know I was filing for divorce.
What you should know: If you are in a destructive marriage in a system like this, according to the church, divorce is not an option. Not for adultery, not for addiction, not for abuse, not if your spouse is in prison, not an option. If they do allow a divorce, it’s only out of love for the abuser, so that they can be reconciled to Christ, and then you can be reconciled back together. Reconciling with the abuser is the priority.
What you can do: For me, journaling was so helpful. Not only was it healing, but it also provided valuable documentation. When I arrived at my final decision, it was helpful to me to look back over years of entries to confirm that things were not changing. My experiences and prayer requests were consistent from day one to the end.
I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was time.
The Fallout
That didn’t make it easy. In fact, it was hell. I lost what felt like everything: my home, my church, my friends, and even eventually my job when my “sin” was disclosed to leaders who had the power and influence to stop me from getting a promised promotion and basically thwarted my 15+ year flourishing career there. There were days it felt like I couldn’t go on. When I ran into church members in public places, I was ignored. It hurt beyond description, but it didn’t destroy me.
What you should know: It might feel like you’re being stalked. You will be “pursued in love” for reconciliation. You will receive emails asking how they can “love you better” all in an attempt to get you to attend more coercive meetings.
What you can do: It may not feel like it, but you CAN stop responding. You may receive “the letter” being dismissed from membership. It will be ok. Remember that church membership doesn’t define you, only Christ does. You are treasured. You are loved. There is hope.
Hope
God has been faithful.
Like many “ex-vangelicals,” I found peace and safety in a liturgical church. I’ve joined a small group, started serving in a few areas of ministry, and discovered the beauty of a true, authentic, fully-devoted community of believers who gather together not to control, but to live in fellowship and love one another according to God’s design. Not once, not one time, have I ever been pressured – or even asked – to become a member, let alone sign a contract.
It’s been five years. I’m not remarried. In fact, I haven’t even dated. I HAVE experienced deep healing, spiritual growth, and true joy. My faith is stronger than ever. God has taken me on a path I hadn’t even known existed before. And it is good.
One day, I received a phone call from a church leader where I currently attend, just checking up on me to see how I was doing. Covid had hit. People were hurting and the church cared. He asked how they could pray for me. Did I need anything? During the conversation, I got choked up. At my previous church, you were only seen and valued if you were a member. At this church, I am fully known and loved for who I am in Christ, my heart for and commitment to His Word and His body of believers. This is what the Church is about.
Friends, if any part of my story resonates with you, hold onto hope and know that God is faithful: He is here. He is near. He is with you.
“Those who look to HIM are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.” Psalm 34:5
Recommended books:
A Church Called Tov by Scot McKnight
The Emotionally Destructive Marriage by Leslie Vernick
Is it Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage by Natalie Hoffman
Boundaries series by Cloud and Townsend
Necessary Endings by Dr. Henry Cloud
Safe People by Cloud and Townsend
Crazymakers by Paul Meier and Robert Wise
Recommended Websites:
https://www.flyingfreenow.com/
Recommended Podcasts:
Final Thoughts
I am so moved by *Nadine’s strength and resilience after going through the trauma of domestic and church abuse. She has bravely told her story here to give other victims/survivors HOPE. She has provided a firsthand account of how many many reformed complementarian churches deal with domestic abuse by not actually DEALING with it at all – but instead placing some, if not all of the responsibility for the abuse on the non-offending spouse (usually the wife), while allowing the abuser to ‘work the system’ and continue to abuse. Her experience is textbook to how these types of churches will pressure you into a ‘membership covenant’, only to use it against you later as a means of abusive control.
DO NOT SIGN A MEMBERSHIP COVENANT! If you do, and happen to fall into the church’s crosshairs, you will have signed away your right to confidentiality and they can (and WILL) go outside the church walls in order to pressure you back into compliance. (I wrote a post a couple of years ago detailing how a church was sued for harassing one of their members.) They will tell other church members to shun you and use those in the church who have connections to your employer to threaten your very livelihood. They will use any resource they have at their disposal to control you. It’s no different than what Scientology does to anyone that would dare stand up to their control and attempt to leave.
Additional Resources
Julie Roys did a podcast with Natalie Hoffman (Flying Free) on 9/1/21 where Natalie shared her church abuse story, which happened at Bethlehem Baptist Church (John Piper). Her story almost mirrors what *Nadine has shared in this post.
Is Bethlehem Baptist Safe for Abuse Victims? (Julie Roys podcast)
Gretchen Baskerville is the author of ‘The Life Saving Divorce‘ which has helped so many women trapped in abusive marriages. You can follow her on Twitter @ggbaskerville
If you are in an abusive marriage and are not receiving support from your church (and/or being pressured to stay with your abuser), IT IS OK to leave. You do not need your church’s permission to leave an abusive situation. There are resources and support available to you.
National:
NATIONAL DOMESTICE VIOLENCE HOTLINE (1-800-799-SAFE)
In the DFW area:
GENESIS WOMEN’S SHELTER (214-946-HELP)
Feel free to reach out to me by filling out my contact form if you need any further resources/support.
If God as seen as the ultimate cause of all things, the ultimate controller of everything that happens, how can those who believe this not also be controlling?
When I read stories like Nadine’s, I wonder just how much the meticulous determinism foundational to Calvinism is a factor.
These leaders just wanted Nadine to fall in line with their preordained script regardless of the reality of the abuse she was suffering. How can they miss the truth so completely? It reminds me of the religious leaders who attributed Jesus’ exorcisms to the devil.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I hope that sharing will bring strength and courage to those who are walking the same road. I am so glad that you were able to find a church who truly shows Christ’s love. There is a comfort in liturgy when you know that the rest of the community across the World is praying over the same scripture.
Here is the link to the sermon for anyone interested:
https://www.watermark.org/message/4320-why-good-leaders-have-always-written-letters-to-the-church-they-love?q=
Nadine, I praise God that you got out of that toxic environment and are now in a church that loves you and knows the true meaning of God’s Love.
Because “If you’re just a regular attender, then you’re an irregular believer” is a direct quote from Todd Wagner, I’m thinking this church was Watermark Community Church in Dallas. I have lost a very loving and beautiful relationship with family who took offense to my belief that churches like Watermark that utilize legally binding membership covenants are “cultish.” This woman’s experience demonstrates how the system protects the church and supports abusers who use misguided interpretations of scripture to habitually traumatize others. I am hopeful that the more people who have suffered these abuses share their experiences, the more difficult it… Read more »
Kristen, as I read this account and had exactly the same thought. This has Watermark written all over it.
I also agree that this is Watermark. I instantly recognized the quote from Todd Wagner, and I also recognized all the buzzwords that Nadine used and what “ministries” they are associated with.
Nadine – thank you for being so brave and sharing your story. Please know that you are not alone, and I commend you for your strength and courage in everything that you have been through. May God bless you and your path forward.